A Fish out of Water

My first blog. No more will I be thought of as an intranet virgin. I really don’t know what to write. Heather says I should write gay porn but I feel uncomfortable with that. I don’t want to share that much. Anyway I went to America for the first time. I was disappointed to find that you are not issued with a weapon at customs, I’d have to buy my own. Anyway we got on a mini bus thing and were driven to our hotel. We went to Bubba Gumps for tea. Not bad.

Next day off to Disneyland. Every bastard in America decided to turn up and see me. Shit how many people want to see this place? Oh I forgot. The bloody light switches are upside down, I feel everyone driving around wants to crash me into on coming traffic. When I wipe my arse I stick my hand in water. Why does the water need to be that high? What sicko wants to see his King Henry’s floating around?

Anyway Disneyland was great. I was a bit jumpy with a few rides but I had an excellent corndog. The only decent one I had for the entire trip. I had a smoked turkey leg on Heather’s dads advice and it was shit. Bloody hell what was he smoking when he ate that. I couldn’t chew or swallow the skin, the thing looked as if it had been dragged behind some rednecks pickup down route 101 for 5 hours, and what was that meat? It was held together by some kind of gelatinous type material. Canada was great. Although we went to a bug zoo, never knew they existed, only to find three quarters of exhibit originated in Australia. Lost Caleb. Found him again. Bugger.

Went to Seattle. Great place or what! Food at the Cheesecake Factory, flying fish a Pikes Market, some criminal getting arrested in front of us and a game of baseball at Safeco Field. You know I was a Red Sox fan now I feel a pull towards the Mariners. Mariners won, crap game but fantastic experience. Got to ride on a ferry. Oh sorry no gay porn. It was good though. Lots of room to move about in. Smooth ride. Didn’t even get wet. I liked Seattle Airport and the Koho ferry that got us back from Canada safely to American waters.

We had 4th of July in America. Wow. I got the shits so that was the end of that. We went to Great Wolf Lodge. What a great place. Oh we also went down to Gray’s Harbour, I think. We had dogs and potato chips plus marshmallows on the beach. Shit it was cold. Summer be stuffed. It felt like the middle of bloody winter. Talking of that we went up to Hurricane Ridge, got the shits, got over it but there was snow on the ground and warnings about bloody bears on the tables saying not to feed them. No shit. They’re pretty bloody bright this mob. Anyway we ran into a few chipmunks and a fawn. No bears. Saw some at the Olympic Game Park though. Cute things. You would probably be thinking that as they proceeded to tear you a new arsehole.

Heather took me to Swains. Some cool things there. Also we had a burger and root beer from Frugels. Not bad. Bloody Dairy Queen is shit and so is the bread and milk in America. That bread was like a mixture of bread and cake. I had a cinnamon pretzel that was nice. I bought a pair of Nike shoes that are way cool. I even had a wee Mexican man say they were very cool on the plane to LA. We bought some See’s chocolate which was delicious. V Australia was excellent. I sat in the exit row and had a huge amount of space to stretch out. No-one sat next to me going over, only one bloke next to the window. And on the way back I had all three seats to myself. Mood lighting, fairly smooth ride, bloody great. The scenery around Heather’s mum’s place and up to her dad’s was breath taking. Only thing was when you’re walking you have to be careful about bloody bears jumping out of the woods. The rivers like the Hoochie Coochie near Heather’s mum’s place were breathtaking. Did you know that the liquor store in Montesano looks like an antique shop? It really is beautiful country. A bit different from desert sands of Alice Springs.