The Bizarre

I’ve been a little unwell for the last few days. Sitting at home without Heather sucks. I mean what can I do? I feel sick anyway so I certainly cannot do housework. I’m supposed to be at home resting after all. I didn’t read or anything. The first day I looked at the computer for varied and interesting sites. After 4 hours or so of this it becomes boring. So I wait around for Heather to get home.

Second day I feel a little better but I still stay home. No computer so watch TV. Will someone shoot me in the head now! Every program seemed to be about placing ones hand into someone else’s body cavity.

Jamie Oliver what are you going to do with that chicken? I see:

1st – Massage the bird with oil all over.
2nd – Gentle run your hand under the breast to loosen the skin.
3rd – Stick hand in chooks arse and pack firmly but not too tightly as we don’t want the bloody thing exploding on us do we? Got that? Pucker!

National Geographic. Good channel if you want to see dick seeking fish swimming up stream and being removed surgically or someone sleeping with raw meat on their stomach so gut maggots will leave their host, through the skin, for greener pastures. I’ve just seen what Jamie was doing to that chicken so I’ll give that a miss.

Great now there’s a documentary on being a veterinarian. What a big glove you have. What do you need all that lube for? Why are you smiling when you lift up the moo cow’s tail? Please don’t do that! Just put on a full body condom and crawl in there. Holy shit the cow’s glad you haven’t got arms like Schwarzenegger. What big eyes the cow has.

Bizarre Foods. Short, fat, balding American guy eating out of rubbish bins. I shit you not. Yesterday he was in a restaurant someplace in America where they make you squeal like pigs when he was served squirrel brains. He proceeded to explain how to crack the skull, like an egg almost; as it has a little flap you lift up so as to gain easy access to nibble on the brain. Just stop. They even went out bush to shoot these bastards. What size do they grow to when it takes three men, all armed and hiding in the bushes to take just one squirrel down?

I’m too scared to watch anything now. I saw some programs on becoming a dad and pregnancy but sure as shit I’m not watching those! I’m okay about being a dad. Stiff shit if I’m not. I really just don’t like hospitals. Although if Heather is going to get up to all the things she says she’s going to then I’m sure I won’t be concentrating too much on my surroundings.

Australia lost the Ashes. Not real happy about that. Doggies are going good. Second on for and against. Well done. For my American family or anyone who doesn’t know cricket here is a short synopsises:


You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

Hope this explains all.